Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Ham Sandwich Indicts Nifong



Last Friday, Mary Katharine Ham released the wickedly ironic and darkly humorous Tour Of Things That Did Not Happen In Durham. Actually a "HamNation" production, drawing upon the talents of her mom, dad, and brothers, this short (2:58) satire is must viewing for Andrew Cohen and the other two extra-terrestrials yet in need of a "Talk To Me Like I'm Three Years Old" tutorial of non-events in Durham over the last ten months.

Today, dad Jon Ham, who's been chiming in with pithy Hoax-Frame commentary for some time now, grabbed the family camcorder in the hope of memorializing Defendant Mike Nifong standing, chest out, chin square, hand raised in Boy Scout salute, while swearing to uphold the laws of the State of North Carolina and the Constitution of the United States. Alas, Jon was deprived of the opportunity to record the historic moment, as was the rest of the media and the public at large, because, as Defendant Nifong explained, "I scheduled it at 8:00 knowing full well the courthouse opened at 8:30."

Captain Bill Wrenn, of the Durham County Sheriff's Department, told a WDTV reporter that he had been told "no" when he had asked if he should let people into the building in advance of the historic farce sham puke-inducement travesty tragedy swearing-in ceremony. Asked who had told him "no," Captain Wrenn replied, "I asked Mr. Nifong."

Defendant Nifong was finally found, not in his 6th Floor office hard at work fighting crime, but, sitting in a 5th Floor courtroom flanked by his mommy wife, the Stepfordian Cy Gurney, and mortified son, Bryan. Jon was able to get this absolutely mesmerizing video of Defendant Nifong under siege from a clearly agitated press corps. "Mesmerizing" in that sort of way one might become rapt on starting to look at a jungle disease book. You get sicker as you go along but you can't stop.

Gone was the trademark cocksure smirk. Defendant Nifong appeared dispassionate, subdued, anesthetized. He can still think up a lie, though, and think it up quick. Pressed as to why the media and public were not permitted to witness the swearing in of a public official, Defendant Nifong explained that

"there are ceremonial ceremonies, and then there are 'let's do this so we can get to work' ceremonies...because we had to be at work at 8:30...As I've indicated, you know, there's ceremonial ceremonies such as the one we had when I was appointed to this office back in 2005 but, now what we have is an office with twenty-one lawyers, all of whom have previously been sworn in, so the ceremonies are over. We have to get sworn in so we can get back to work...this was not a media event; this was an event that was required of us so that we could get back to work and do our jobs."

Just chew on that for a while. Go ahead. Take your time. It tastes real bad and you just can't swallow it. Poor Mike. Poor Cy. Poor Bryan. What should have been the crowning moment of his career became but an embarrassing "necessity" that he had to lie about. Foisting yet another public deception off on his poor staff. Sick. Explain to us again the relevance of the other twenty one previously sworn lawyers in your office, working on the floor above, whose need to get to work necessitated the closure to the public of a fifth floor courtroom. Please, do explain that again. This guy has "truly gone fishing."

Scarily, Defendant Nifong affirmed that he is looking forward to what he "can do next," feigned pride in "a lot of good that has been accomplished in the eighteen, 20 months since I've been the District Attorney here," and vowed "to do a whole lot more."


Bloggers beware: He WILL spit on your burgers.

Defendant Nifong then went fully Queeg, and displayed the true depth of his psychotic, delusional, borderline personality disorder with narcissistic overlay:

"Obviously, as witnessed by the fact that you're all here talking to me, when there's so much other stuff going on, is...Durham has some healing to do and I need to be a part of that healing process and I need to have something to do with what, how, how, we move forward from the events that have brought you all here because you're not here today for a swearing-in, you're here today because of the things that happened during the course of the last year." [Poor Bryan chewed gum tensely and appeared to stare at his shoetips as Dear Ol' Dad loosed this rancid stream.]

Asked if he felt he was a part of the problem in Durham, Defendant Nifong continued:

"No, I don't think I'm part of the problem. I feel I have assisted in revealing the problem, um, and, you know, if we get to the point where it appears my presence, um, in an investigation or, and so on, in, in anything like that is a hindrance, then we can deal with that at that time."

Craaaaaazy!
Over the rainbow,
He is craaaaazy!
Bars in the windows.


The time is now, Defendant Nifong. Where are the Feds? Get him out of there.

The best scene of Jon's video is its last. As a reporter smugly, or timidly, I'm not sure which, offers, "Sorry, Mrs. Nifong," Defendant "Elvis" leaves the building and the camera lens swings towards the front of the courtroom. For the first time it is revealed that, even as his destruction is being forever recorded for Bryan's future therapists, Defendant Nifong still maintains an odd Svengalian hold over the administration of justice in Durham. Four judges stand in the well, appearing to be awaiting their own swear-ins, as Senior Justice Orlando Hudson sits, silently waiting, on the bench. WTF?

Truly, cinema of the absurd.

38 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

just how creepy was it for the Fonger to use his boy like that ?

Instead of having Capt. Wrenn bar the reporters from the Soviet style ceremony, he shoulda asked him to quietly get his son out the back door away from the media

Hell awaits you Mikey

12:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel very bad for that poor kid. He's going to suffer enormously (if he isn't suffering enormously already) for something he had no part in. He'll have to spend the rest of his life trying to live down the shame and infamy his father has attached to the family name. I hope the young man has some good friends who can help him deal with all he's going through. May God bless and protect this innocent boy.

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone should tell him to shave those stupid looking sideburns.

12:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope the young man has some good friends who can help him deal with all he's going through.

Or some righteous Durm chronic. Kid looks like a total stoner.

12:53 AM  
Blogger Gregory said...

Another Bravura performance, NDlax!!! I especially liked the Pink Floyd and "Grinch Who Stole Christmas" quotes.

Yes, it is apparent that Mike Nifong is a narcisstic, selfish, self-absorbed user. That does not bode well for his son.

The shame of him to place his son in that position!

1:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Nifong wants to contribute to the healing process he could start by pleading guilty to the charges that have, and will be, brought against him, and by agreeing to be permanently disbarred from practising law.

2:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"the Stepfordian Cy Gurney"



Mike, you crack me up...


darby

8:17 AM  
Anonymous emmy said...

"and mortified son, Bryan."

Oh my, Mike, I'm crying, I'm laughing so hard at that one! So, so true, the young man looked mortified...(my mom uses the word, mortified, a lot...it's a great word!)...you're the best!

10:01 AM  
Anonymous emmy said...

Gosh, I just watched that footage again on Studio B...Cy looks like she wants to beat the sh*t out of Mikey, and the son, sad to say, looks like he's making a hostage tape...nice f*cking work, Mikey...

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought Cy's job had something to do with protecting kids in court. It didn't seem like she did much protecting of her own kid in the courtroom.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous wts said...

Mike, you know how I feel about family - this use by Nifong of his own family demonstrated how narcissitic he is - he just doesn't have a clue. He continues to put his own selfish interests first.

7:18 PM  
Anonymous bill anderson said...

Of course, Mikey had no problem trying to destroy other families. This guy is a piece of crap who needs to spend some time in the crowbar motel.

Where there are NO ham sandwiches!!

5:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Has anyone else noticed a pattern of cloning?! It looks like a rerun of "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers!"

All that is being done is to replace one bad egg with another one. Same old Bullsh*t, only the names have changed! Unless there is indeed a Federal Investigation done into the ENTIRE "system" NOTHING will have been accomplished!

I am OUTRAGED at the lack of accountability! The wall of silence MUST be broken, and a HUGE broom brought out to sweep away the corrupt officials who just serve as pods!

I NEVER would have believed an ENTIRE city could be so foul! I live in Cleveland and we have far more murders and crimes, and I am sure corruption exists here too, but Durham has become the nations cesspool of corruption and lawlessness!

The media panders to them, and censor the real TRUTHS! I KNOW this because I have spent 2 long hard years BEGGING for help to solve my brothers murder! He was an incredible man who worked extremely hard, was a law abiding citizen, the pinnacle of our family, yet the deeds of an admitted ***** has cost the city more than money, but also it's reputation!

After the LAX3 are done suing, we plan on following suit! The poo is more than ready to hit the fan, and I am more than willing to put on my hazmat suit, wade through the quagmire, and SCREAM for JUSTICE!

"They" meaning the powers that be, have messed with the wrong family! What was done to the boys is nothing in comparison to the murder of my brother, who we believe was a victim of murder for hire, and that the sheriff's deputies were involved!

If Mr Hardin has an ounce of credibility, he WILL re-open his case, and the nation will see just how deep the city is involved in covering up, and insist upon the outing and ousting of the true infidels, that being the LE and politicians who only use their positions to justify their own agendas!

Buckle up kids, it's going to be a bumpy ride! This is just the beginning of my opening statement!
Rhonda Fleming
Cleveland, Ohio

11:53 AM  
Anonymous www.vizcaya-3d.com said...

For my part every person ought to go through it.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another small quilt

In May, I made this quilt top using my fabric scraps left over from the Twelve by Twelve Colorplay challenges. First, I put together some thin strips of fabric, "à la Brenda".

4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then I cut them up, and pieced them back with more fabric scraps.

My first idea when I started this piece was to make another small quilt with an orange background, to go with this one.

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